Holy Fucking Shit You’re Dumb!

Actually, I don’t think I’m allowed, since I don’t technically live in the city of Denver, but if I could, I would totally vote for this “extraterrestrial affairs commission” ballot initiative that this guy is trying to get on the ballot for this November.

The initiative would apparently force the city of Denver to set up a seven member commission to collect evidence about UFOs and ET.  Hey, it’s not a bigger waste of money than almost every other government program.  Plus I like the idea of a bunch of random bureaucrats sitting around all day reading sites like abovetopsecret.com and spending their nights listening to Coast to Coast AM.  Better that then meddling in my business.

Also, these dudes have a truly awful hip hop song to teach us about finding aliens and the apparent cure for cancer that they’ve been trying to tell us about.  Nothing gets people to do their civic duty more than rappers!

You know you suck when you can’t even kill yourself properly.

Is it just bad luck to survive a 9 story fall by landing on a little girl, then being forced to pay her medical bills?  Or is it some sort of cosmic SLAP IN THE FACE?  I think it’s probably the latter.  Anyway, if I were this guy, probably I’d just kill myself.  Try collecting from a corpse, suckers!  Hahahaha!

BANG!

…whoops, missed.

So this woman feels “more than justified”  about shooting at her husband after he refused to give her any of their tax return money.

So yeah, she’s pretty dumb.  But here’s the real question.  What the hell does “more than justified” mean anyway?  People say it a lot, but I’ve not yet figured out what it really means.  Being or feeling justified is kind of a binary thing.  Either you are, or you aren’t.  If you say “more than justified” does that mean you feel super justified?  Like you were doing the world a favor or something?

Is that what she’s saying?  She did the rest of us a favor by shooting at her husband?  Hrm.  Maybe if I got a cut of that tax money, I’d feel like she was “more than justified.”

This article is full of dipshits all the way around.  I was saying to somebody just the other day that it was only a matter of time before dispensaries and/or growers would start getting raided here in Colorado, just like they have been in California, despite Obama’s make-nice talk about how he was going to tell the DEA not to do that anymore (and despite the fact that the AG sent a memo to agents telling them to cool it with the raids on medical MJ facilities in compliance with state and local laws.)  When it comes right down to it, when you go on local TV and tweak the DEA’s nose by letting everybody know about your huge growing operation, you’re going to get busted.  If there’s one thing I know about cops, it’s that they wont stand for being “shown up” even when they’re wrong.  They’ll find something to bust you on.  And in this case, there is a pretty clear Federal law to bust you under, dumbass.

So note to the asshole who went on goddamn TV and bragged about his huge grow room:  Shut your mouth, dumbass.  You just killed the goose that laid the golden egg.  What the hell did you do that for, anyway?  Were you really not paying attention when the DEA continually busted legal-under-state-law dispensaries and growers in California, or did you actually believe Obama’s rhetoric about making the DEA not do that anymore?

There are at least two other idiots in this story though, and the next one is of course the DEA dude himself.  Fuck you, pig!  Apparently he didn’t get that memo from the AG that said he wasn’t supposed to do what he just did.  I kind of expected it to happen anyway, and it looks like they’re trying to paint him as some kind of “rogue agent” going against the wishes of his boss, which I also pretty much expected.  It’s an easy way to look like you’re changing things without changing anything at all, something the Obama administration has become pretty adept at (remember how he was going to close Guantanamo and pull us out of Iraq?  Those things happened, right?)

The third idiot is the neighbor at the end, whose entire contribution to the story is to let loose with the familiar “WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN?” whine when she notes that grow dude’s house is only one block from an elementary school.

HOLY SHIT!  ONLY ONE BLOCK!  WTF?  Oh wait… that actually has no bearing on anything, does it?  Was the guy selling to children?  No, he wasn’t.  Is growing marijuana dangerous to the environment or potentially dangerous to people in the area the way, say, making meth is?  No, it sure isn’t.  So shut the hell up already, woman.  Those kids are in more danger from drivers on the road in front of their school than they ever were from that dude growing some weed in his basement a block down the street.

In short, everybody in this article can go right to hell.

If you’ve been reading for awhile, you’ve probably picked up on the general vibe of this site.  I find some funny/weird/awful thing online, and I make fun of it for a bit, swear a little, we all have a good laugh, and then we move on.

I think I may have found my match though.  I can’t think of anything to say about this story that will add much to the “holy shit” factor that isn’t already said in the first line of the story, which I will now quote verbatim:

“A South African minibus taxi driver five times over the legal blood alcohol limit at breakfast time was arrested on Wednesday for transporting 49 children in a 16-seat vehicle.”

All I can think to say is this.  Five times the legal blood alcohol level times three times more passengers than seats in the van equals fifteen times the awful.

“”The man is now behind bars,” Colin Govender of the Road Traffic Inspectorate said.”

Well I should goddamn hope so!

So did you hear the latest?  Apparently pork is an aphrodisiac now.  Or so says the President of Argentina, who says she and her husband ate some nice barbecue pork and “things went very well that weekend”.  That’s some awesome anecdotal evidence right there, I must admit.

Apparently the Argentinians eat a metric shitton of beef, and the government is trying to encourage them to eat more pork.  Because that’s what governments are for, doncha know?  I guess telling them they can ditch their Viagra and replace it with a delicious pulled pork sandwich and get the same results is a small fib on the grand scale of “lies governments have told”, but holy shit, can you imagine how terrible it would be if Obama tried to get Americans to eat more pork by saying “Yeah, Michelle and I had some pork chops last weekend, and let me tell you, she’s still walking bow-legged.  Know what I mean?  Huh?  You smell what I’m cookin’ here folks?”

Actually, that would be totally awesome.  Nevermind.  Also, President Obama should totally channel The Rock during speeches in real life instead of just in my head.

Anywho, in closing, I’d just like to say that I had no idea that the President of Argentina was such a major hotty.  Let me be downright sexist here for a moment and say that if Hillary Clinton looked like that instead of like this, I bet she’d be President right now.

Ha ha, no, just kidding.  She’d still have lost.

Yeah, it’s that dingus John Edwards.  One-time Democratic nominee for Vice President and former Presidential candidate.  He’s finally admitting that the child his mistress gave birth to in early 2008 is his.

In case you don’t remember (or didn’t care–and I can’t say as I blame you if you didn’t), Edwards’ infidelity was a hot topic during his brief stint as an also-ran during the 2008 Democratic primary season.  Well, as hot a topic as can be expected when it involves a dude who had no shot at winning the nomination.  He and I won the same number of primaries, as I recall.

Cheating on your wife is bad enough.  But Johnny’s wife also has incurable cancer, so he’s like a double shithead for cheating on a dying woman.  Seriously man, that’s just low.  Fuck you.

But here’s the real thing.  Why on earth did you get your mistress pregnant?  That’s like the dumbest thing in the world.  This isn’t the friggin middle ages here.  We have pretty reliable methods of birth control.  Wrap it up, dumbass!  At least Clinton was smart enough to pull out.  Nothing good can come of getting your mistress pregnant.  There’s no upside to that at all.  This has already ruined him politically, and now will likely ruin him financially as well.  Not only will he have to support (and rightly so) his child, he’ll likely have to give tons of money to his ex-mistress, and it wouldn’t surprise me if his wife finally decided to stop standing by her man and took a big chunk out of him in a divorce settlement.

And it couldn’t have happened to a shittier guy!  Sayonara, asshole.

Nobody ever claimed criminals were smart.  Well, I guess super villains like Lex Luthor claim that sometimes, but for the most part, they’re wrong.  Most criminals are criminals because they’re either too dumb to know any better or too dumb to be anything else.  Or they’re Bernie Madoff.

But this guy here is about as dumb as they come.  Dude breaks into somebody’s house and… settles in.  He takes a shower, watches some TV, and fries up some chicken!

It’s a little hard to figure out what exactly he thought he was doing.  Maybe he figured he’d just stolen the house?  He broke in, and now it was his!  Just like that time he stole that car–he broke into it, and now he could use it whenever he wanted.  It must work the same way with houses, right?

Right?

So here’s a story about a doctor who removed the wrong kidney from some poor dude.

This is pretty bad.  But it’s also at least somewhat understandable.  I mean, kidneys look pretty much the same.  And everybody has two of them.  A quick screw up of right and left, and bam–you took out the wrong one.  Oops!

But that’s not all.  The same doctor apparently accidentally biopsied another patient’s pancreas instead of his kidney.

Now, I’m no doctor.  I don’t even play one on TV (or the intertubes, even).  But I do own a copy of Gray’s Anatomy (the book, not the TV show) and I’d like to think that, should I ever find myself confronted with a person with an open abdominal cavity and was asked “quick, identify the kidneys!” I’d be able to avoid pointing at the goddamn pancreas.

Here, check for yourself:

There’s a lot of crap in there, I admit.  And I’m sure when someone is cut open, there’s like blood and stuff obscuring your view.  But see those kidney bean shaped things in the back?  Those there are kidneys.  And that big thing that sort of wraps all around and goes every which way in the middleish of the picture?  That’s a pancreas.

See the difference?  Yeah, I admit, there is some stuff that’s omitted in that diagram.  For instance, I don’t see a liver in there, and I’m fairly sure there ought to be one.  And those intestines probably aren’t just cut open and disconnected like that in real life.  But still, a surgeon spends years and years learning this stuff.  They’re not expected to just cut into people and fish around randomly after just a few weeks of boot camp training.  So I feel justified in thinking that this guy is a complete incompetent asshole.

Little French bastards are choking themselves to death.  I guess because it feels good?  I don’t know, I’m not a fucking idiot, so I haven’t tried this “game”, but supposedly cutting off the blood supply to your brain gets you high.  Hey, that’s basically how alcohol works, so I guess it’s a cheap way to get briefly drunk.

Here’s a thought though.  The drinking age in France is like, what, four years old?  Why not just get drunk?  Go down to the store, buy some cheap wine, and get shitfaced like normal teenagers do.  Don’t goddamn choke yourself to death in order to get a few seconds of feeling high.  You’d think nobody would have to explain this, but apparently kids today are that stupid.

Here’s a great quote from the article.  “The medical community remains divided over whether to publicize asphyxiation games. “There’s a fear that if you raise awareness then other people will start to copy it.”"

Yeah, that’s a great reason to not tell people shit.  We also shouldn’t tell people how HIV is spread, for fear that more people will have sex.  “Wait, you mean all this time I could have been having sex?  Why didn’t anybody tell me this??”  Don’t tell people about the dangers of playing Russian Roulette, because then more people might play!   And definitely don’t tell people about the dangers of smoking, because more people might smoke!

How about we just let people be responsible for their own damn selves?  If you tell people about how choking themselves to death is bad and they still do it, well, hey.  You tried, right?  It’s probably for the best that we eliminated those genes from the pool…