Holy Fucking Shit You’re Dumb!

NBC seem to have a knack for setting up Kobayashi Maru situations for themselves.  First it was Jay vs Dave, now, years later, it’s Jay vs Conan.  And I’m pretty sure Conan won.

For those of you living next door to Osama bin Laden in a Pakistani cave for the past few months, here’s a quick rundown of the situation:  Jay left the Tonight Show for his own prime time gig at 10pm.  Jay flopped in prime time.  NBC says “Hey, no problem.  We’ll move you back to The Tonight Show.”  Conan says “Uh, hey, no.  That’s my gig now.”  NBC says “Oh, well fine, we’ll just move The Jay Leno Show to 11:35 (The Tonight Show’s timeslot for the past 40 some years or so) and make it half an hour.  Then you keep The Tonight Show, but it’s on at 12:05.  So then Conan is all “That would make it The Tomorrow Show.  Not gonna do it.”

At this point, to somebody with some sense, it would seem that the best solution would be for NBC to say “Ok then.  Hey, sorry Jay.  You kind of suck anyway, and your show blew, and you’re sixty years old and not funny.  So… You’re fired.”  Or something similar.  I mean, do you know anybody who thinks Jay Leno is funny?  I don’t.  Ok, I lie.  I know one person.  But he’s kind of odd in the head.  To be honest, Conan isn’t that funny either, but he’s still more funny than Jay.

But no, instead they gave Conan a huge pile of money to go away.  They’re going to give Jay back The Tonight Show, and Conan will turn up on some other network in the fall when his no-compete clause is up.

The most ridiculous part about this whole thing is that the hand-off of The Tonight Show from Jay to Conan was orchestrated five years ago, in a bid to prevent exactly this kind of stupidity–NBC went through a huge shake-up when Jay took over from Carson, because everybody and his mother (including Johnny Carson himself) thought the obvious choice to replace Carson was David Letterman, who was then hosting Late Night, the show that comes on after The Tonight Show.  Instead, NBC execs went with Jay, and Letterman took off for CBS.

This time, NBC gave everybody a five year heads up on the hand-off, and locked Conan into the job–and then paid him millions to go home after just seven months.

Good job, NBC!

Anybody else totally tired of Brett Favre?  Yeah, me too.  The guy needs to either stay retired or stay not retired.  Pick one, man.

So of course, in case you hadn’t heard, Brett Favre is in talks to return to football with, of all teams, the Minnesota Vikings.

Now, I know not everybody follows football, despite the fact that it has basically replaced baseball as our national pastime.  So for those of you who don’t know how awful this is, let me put it in terms any American should be able to understand.

Remember when Benedict Arnold switched sides in the middle of the Revolutionary War and went to fight for the British?  Obviously you do not actually remember this, unless you are Methuselah, in which case you still wouldn’t remember, since that dude died thousands of years ago.  But anyway, remember learning that shit in history class?  Remember how pissed off all the Americans were when he did that?

That’s about on the level of how Packers fans will feel if Brett goes and plays for the Vikings.  It’s not quite the level of hatred Red Sox fans have for douchebags who sell out and sign with the Yankees, but it’s close.

So what, you ask?  The guy still wants to play.  The Packers didn’t want him back last year and presumably still don’t want him back, and the Jets don’t want him back either.  Why shouldn’t he go play for the Vikings if they want him?

Here’s why:  Because he needs to just retire already.  This is what, the fifth year in a row he’s either retired or “seriously contemplated” retiring and then decided to come back?  Three of those years he basically held the Packers hostage while they waited for him to make up his friggin mind.  Last year he tried to pull a power play to get back on the team after FINALLY retiring only to very quickly un-retire, and the Packers finally just said “Dude, get out of here, you’re not welcome here anymore” and traded his ass to the Jets.  Then he retired after completely screwing the Jets’ chances to make the playoffs down the stretch (in fairness:  he’s also a big part of the reason they were in a position to make a run at the playoffs in the first place), and now he’s going to un-retire AGAIN?  Here’s the real kicker–that bicep injury he suffered near the end of last year, the one that basically caused him to play like complete ass and totally boned the Jets?  Yeah, he didn’t get that fixed.  I guess that shit will just heal on its own.  Magically.  In just a few months!

I’m tired of this.  GO AWAY BRETT FAVRE!

Professional wrestler The Ultimate Warrior gave what were probably the most intense interviews of all time.  Perhaps not coincidentally, he also gave the most rambling and incoherent interviews of all time.

I will give five internet dollars to anybody who can tell me what in the hell he’s talking about here.  This interview was part of the final push for one of the biggest matches of all time, Hulk Hogan vs The Ultimate Warrior at Wrestlemania VI.  Clearly there’s something in here about how this conflict was inevitable–he starts the rant saying as much, I think.  Then there’s something about Hulk Hogan being full of walls filled with thick fear.  Then a little bit later, there’s something about his fans attaching themselves to the outside of the building and… seeping through?  Wow.  That’s some deep shit.  I’m not sure what to make of it.  The best part is how he keeps referring to Hulk Hogan as “HO KOGAN”.

Also, check out Mean Gene at the 1:20 mark or so.  As soon as the Warrior starts ranting about the walls, Gene tugs at his collar and makes a face–at first I interpreted it as Gene hamming it up, acting like he was hot under the collar because the Warrior was scaring him or whatever.  But I’m thinking that’s probably not it at all–it’s more likely he’s signalling to someone off camera that this interview is rapidly going south and someone needs to cut it off very soon!  Of course, nobody does, because who is going to step in and tell this roid freak to start over?  Instead he goes on for another minute or more.  It’s completely awful, and yet… also complete awesome.

Who am I wishing death on here?  Twitter?  Ashton Kutcher?  CNN?

…take your pick, really.

So I guess Woody Harrelson mistook a photographer for a zombie.

Actually, the idiot here is the damn photographer.  Apparently after he got “assaulted” by Mr Harrelson (presumably because he wouldn’t get his camera out of the man’s grille–and let’s be fair, any man could mistake that for a zombie attack) he continued to follow him and his daughter for four minutes with another camera rolling, until finally Woody and his family got into a car and left.

Ok, maybe Mr Harrelson took it too far.  Probably shouldn’t have roughed the guy up.  But man, when you think you’re being chased by a zombie with a camera, what are you supposed to do?  Oh, I know…  PRESS “A” BITCH!  THIS AINT NO CUTSCENE!  YOU AINT GOT TIME TO MAKE A PROFILE!

I’m about to say something really controversial.  In the vast spectrum of human experience, there are probably close to infinity things you can do that are worse than killing a dog, or even operating a dogfighting ring.  Michael Vick got two years for killing some dogs, while Vince Neil killed a dude and only got 30 days.

That said, Vick is still in the running for the title Douche of the Universe.  Check out the latest.  Dude was let out of jail for a bit to appear before a judge for a bankruptcy hearing.  The man is out of cash!  This is the guy who signed a then-record $130 million contract with the Falcons in 2005, was the face of the franchise and at one time arguably the face of the league, sold merchandise like crazy, had huge endorsement deals, apparently owned a stake in more than a dozen different companies, and now has gone the way of MC Hammer, all because it turns out he’s a giant ass.

Seriously, the dude pissed away all that because he felt the need to fight dogs?  Really?  And worse, he couldn’t just surreptitiously attend some fights, or even travel to places where such things are legal and pretend like that’s not what he went there for (see also:  Thailand and prostitution).  No, he had to actually RUN a friggin dog fighting ring in his own damn backyard with all his thug friends.  How stupid is that?

At least Hammer just spent all his money on houses, cars, and his buddies.  He didn’t lose it because he got thrown in jail for being a damn idiot and suddenly couldn’t do his thing anymore.

The best part is that Vick’s bankruptcy is structured on the assumption that he’s going to resume his NFL career after he gets released.  Really?  The Falcons sure wont take him back.  Is there really a team in the league so stupid that they’d overlook all the negative crap this guy would bring to the franchise and actually hire him?  Oh wait…  yes there is…