Holy Fucking Shit You’re Dumb!

I actually approve of this.  Anything that makes stupid people unable to reproduce is fine by me.

Also, happy 4th of July!

It should go without saying that if you are involved in the illegal drug trade, you probably shouldn’t invite the cops into your house.  But apparently this guy didn’t get the memo.

Good job, asshole.  Way to bust yourself.  Hope your roomates made off with the good shit before the cops got there!

Wow.  This is awful right here.  A webcam showing the waiting room of the Benson Boulevard Office of the Department of Motor Vehicles in Anchorage, AK.

I suppose the point is, you can go look at how many people are there ahead of you and gauge whether or not it’s a good time to head to the DMV.  But… it’s the DMV.  Isn’t there always a thousand people there ahead of you, day and night, 24/7?  It’s like the first rule of the DMV–you’re always going to wait at least an hour.  And then you’ll have been in the wrong line anyway, and have to go wait in another line.  Or you filled out the wrong form.  Or you didn’t bring two “acceptable” forms of identification.  Or… well, you get the picture.

Watching that camera has made me dumber.

Feng Shui can go right to hell, but this headline about a Taiwanese high roller is pretty hilarious.  Blaming your two million dollars in losses on Feng Shui is just about the most absurd thing ever, but the best part is the article takes the time to point out that he was up 400k before the casino messed with his towels!

No.  Just stop.  It’s not goddamn FENG SHUI.  That shit is 100% bullshit.  It doesn’t work, it doesn’t change anything, it’s just a bunch of mystical shit.  Stop.   Now.

It’s called house edge and probability, motherfucker.  Look it up.  Hey, look, you don’t even have to, I linked that shit for you.  Now go read it and stop talking about GODDAMN FENG SHUI LIKE IT MIGHT ACTUALLY WORK.

This here is flippin’ awesome:

This is a video of Dr. Josiah Thompson, noted JFK conspiracy author, explaining why Oswald could not have fired the number of shots he is said to have fired (3) in the amount of time it is said he had (most conspiracy buffs cite a number around 6 seconds, usually something overly exact like “5.6 seconds”).

Now, never mind that the FBI test he is apparently misrepresenting shows that it is possible to shoot three accurate shots with a Mannlicher-Carcano rifle like Oswald’s in as little as 4.5 seconds.  This guy proceeds to tell us that the “necessary minimal mechanical firing time” of this rifle (which he defines as taking one shot, cycling the bolt, and taking another shot) is 2.3 seconds.  He flat out says this is the minimum time it takes to fire a shot, prepare the rifle for another shot, then fire again.  So obviously, you can’t take 3 shots in 5.6 seconds or whatever sub six second number you would like to pull out of your ass today.

Thing is, as you can see in the video, he demonstrates what he means by “minimum mechanical firing time”.  Are you seeing where I’m going with this yet?  For those of you who don’t have a stopwatch handy, go here and time it for yourself.

What did you get?  I tried it a few times, and never got more than 1.9 seconds.  From the time he dry fires the rifle the first time to the time he dry fires the second time is somewhere between 1.7 and 1.9 seconds by my tests.

Good job, asshole. Way to parrot incorrect information then make a complete jackass of yourself on television.

What?  You’re saying bodybuilders might just need some help getting those ridiculous physiques?  Say it aint so!

I love the image of a bunch of muscle bound dudes grabbing their shit and running in terror from a small guy with a cup.

I love this guy.  I mean, yeah, he’s dumb as a box of rocks, but you can’t help but admire the chutzpah it takes to stop in the middle of your shoplifting binge to fill out a raffle ticket.  Dude needed him some whisky, but apparently dude needed him that kayak or whatever the fuck they were raffling off more.

The best part is where it says he grabbed two MORE bottles of whisky before fleeing.  So apparently he had a big bottle of Jack stuffed down his pants, went and filled out a raffle ticket, then grabbed a couple more bottles and ran out.  That’s about as awesome as stupidity gets.

So here’s the scenario:

Say you’re a computer repair guy.  The economy is in rough shape, business is down, you need some work.  What’s the best way to drum up some business? 

The solution this guy came up with probably wasn’t high on your list of possible solutions, was it? 

Allegedly, Mr Kevin Andrew Lutes, computer repairman extrodinaire, thought his best bet was to break into the office of a realtor he had done work for in the past, steal the hard drive out of one of their computers, then wait for them to phone up! 

The best part:  He apparently told them “Oh yeah, I can totally get that data back for you, don’t worry!”  Then he put the disk back in the computer, charged them something like $2000, and tried to laugh all the way to the bank.

Unfortunately for him (but fortunately for non-dumbasses everywhere who hate to see people like this win) the people at the realty office called up Dell, who told them they were pretty sure there was no way someone could magically recreate the data from a PHYSICALLY MISSING hard drive.  The cops were called, and Mr Lutes was busted.

I gotta say, that at least took some balls to try.  Stupid as hell, but ballsy.

Anybody else totally tired of Brett Favre?  Yeah, me too.  The guy needs to either stay retired or stay not retired.  Pick one, man.

So of course, in case you hadn’t heard, Brett Favre is in talks to return to football with, of all teams, the Minnesota Vikings.

Now, I know not everybody follows football, despite the fact that it has basically replaced baseball as our national pastime.  So for those of you who don’t know how awful this is, let me put it in terms any American should be able to understand.

Remember when Benedict Arnold switched sides in the middle of the Revolutionary War and went to fight for the British?  Obviously you do not actually remember this, unless you are Methuselah, in which case you still wouldn’t remember, since that dude died thousands of years ago.  But anyway, remember learning that shit in history class?  Remember how pissed off all the Americans were when he did that?

That’s about on the level of how Packers fans will feel if Brett goes and plays for the Vikings.  It’s not quite the level of hatred Red Sox fans have for douchebags who sell out and sign with the Yankees, but it’s close.

So what, you ask?  The guy still wants to play.  The Packers didn’t want him back last year and presumably still don’t want him back, and the Jets don’t want him back either.  Why shouldn’t he go play for the Vikings if they want him?

Here’s why:  Because he needs to just retire already.  This is what, the fifth year in a row he’s either retired or “seriously contemplated” retiring and then decided to come back?  Three of those years he basically held the Packers hostage while they waited for him to make up his friggin mind.  Last year he tried to pull a power play to get back on the team after FINALLY retiring only to very quickly un-retire, and the Packers finally just said “Dude, get out of here, you’re not welcome here anymore” and traded his ass to the Jets.  Then he retired after completely screwing the Jets’ chances to make the playoffs down the stretch (in fairness:  he’s also a big part of the reason they were in a position to make a run at the playoffs in the first place), and now he’s going to un-retire AGAIN?  Here’s the real kicker–that bicep injury he suffered near the end of last year, the one that basically caused him to play like complete ass and totally boned the Jets?  Yeah, he didn’t get that fixed.  I guess that shit will just heal on its own.  Magically.  In just a few months!

I’m tired of this.  GO AWAY BRETT FAVRE!

Seriously, roids aren’t that big a deal.  There I said it.  Yeah, they make you big, they help you heal faster, and they probably help you hit a baseball farther.  But you know what?  Home runs are cool.  I like to watch big sluggers.  Big Mac was entertaining.  Barry Bonds, when not being a horse’s ass, was fun to watch.  Sammy Sosa probably took roids, definitely corked his bat, and yet I’d rather watch him hit, than, say, Edgar Renteria.

In the end, roids aren’t a huge concern to me.  Yes, it’s cheating, but so is stealing signs, so is intentionally taking out an infielder with your slide, and so is scuffing a baseball–and those are all “accepted” (to varying degrees) parts of baseball.

But you cross the line from cheating into complete asshattery when you do what A-Rod has recently been accused of:  Tipping pitches to opposing players.  All those other things I mentioned?  They’re all to help you and your team do better and win games.  Which, at the end of the day, is what the game is all about.  But tipping off opposing players?  That’s just wrong, man.  Yeah, so A-Rod supposedly did it only in blowouts when the game was “already over”.  Nevermind that we’ve all seen ridiculous comebacks in baseball, so it’s hard to say when the game is “over”.  But let’s just assume that’s totally true:  Nothing A-Rod did affected the outcome of the game either way.

Even so, in your quest to pad your own stats (it is claimed this was done as a quid-pro-quo type thing with opposing middle infielders), you’re fucking with your own pitcher’s stats, man.  At the tail end of a blowout, you probably have some young kid out there trying to show what he’s got to the manager, trying to put some numbers up to get his career going, and you’re being a shitcock by tipping off the batter and telling him what’s coming?    Or maybe some old veteran at the tail end of his career is out there, looking for one last contract before he hits the showers for good, and you’re going to ram it up his ass by telling the batter to look for the backdoor slider?

So I say A-Rod, if this is true, you’re even more of a douche than I thought.