Dear Republicans: Some tips from me to you – Holy Fucking Shit You're Dumb!
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Dear Republicans: Some tips from me to you

We just had one of them elections here in the US, and the blue team won again. Now it wasn’t too long ago that the red team won all the time, so it’s not like team red is a bunch of gormless nitwits who can’t get anything right. I mean, I assume so, at least.

Anyhow, from my place on the sidelines, being neither affiliated with team donkey nor team elephant, I see some disturbing trends and repeated mistakes coming out of the red team’s camp and figured, hey, why not lend them a hand? Clearly they keep making these mistakes because they don’t realize how harmful they are to their cause, right? So maybe if I help them out by pointing out a few things, they’ll be like “Oh wow, we didn’t realize. Thanks!” Not that I’m particularly eager to see them start winning elections or anything, but I figure helping them out with these few things will only serve to make things better for everybody.

So here we go, in no particular order:

1) Stop being douchebags to latinos.

Latinos are the fastest growing ethnic minority in the country, and that’s not going to change any time soon. And unlike, say, blacks, who decided a long time ago that they’re never voting for your team based on how you continually fuck them over, they don’t tend to vote as a block. Many are in fact what you might call “natural” Republicans in many ways, being devout Catholics and big on traditional Republican issues such as family values.

But they’re not going to vote for you as long as you keep insisting that they don’t fucking belong here! As long as you continue to fan the flames of intolerance and insist on blocking any attempts at meaningful immigration reform, you’re going to continue to lose the latino vote. This is something the much maligned George W Bush actually had right–he tried to get the rest of you guys to accept immigration reform and embrace the latino vote and you told him to go pound sand. So he was the last member of team elephant to poll even moderately well among latinos. Good job, guys.

Listen, if you’re going to continue to insist on Reagan’s vision of American as the “shining city on a hill” you can’t fucking act surprised when people outside the city want in. And you can continue to make up reasons why letting them in is wrong, but in the end all you’re really doing is being douchebags. So find some form of immigration reform you can live with that doesn’t involve further douchebaggery and get behind it. You’ll probably never be ahead of the blue team on this subject, but you can at least stop being the party of “go to hell, brown person.”

2) Stop acting like women can’t make their own decisions.

We know you’re morally opposed to abortion. You know what? I am too! I think in almost every case it’s the wrong choice. But, I further recognize I’m a dude, and will never have to make this decision on my own, for myself. So I see no reason why my opinion should carry any weight here. There’s lots of things I’m opposed to that people do on a regular basis, and I don’t see any reason to stop them from doing it.

I know, I know, you’re going to start screaming about saving the lives of the innocent unborn. I get it. You know what? I think you’re right. At some point during a pregnancy, a fetus stops being a fetus and starts being a living human being. I too would personally consider abortion past that point to be murder.

But third trimester abortions are already illegal in almost every state, usually with a “life of the mother” exception in place. Even in states where it’s legal, third trimester abortion is very uncommon. The significance of this is that it is during the third trimester that the fetus becomes “viable,” as in, if it were to pop out today, it would be considered a baby and not a spontaneous abortion or miscarriage. Babies “born” in the second trimester or before aren’t babies.  They’re tragic miscarriages. So stop pretending like they’re anything else. Up until the point where they’re viable outside of the mother’s body they’re nobody’s business but hers, I figure. Is that such a bad compromise?

So please, stop trying to overturn Roe v Wade. You’ve lost that fight. You lost it years ago. Stop being dickbags about it now. Seriously, we’ve got an economy in the shitter, wars costing us billions, a debt the size of the moon, and you’re worried about women making decisions about shit growing inside them that’s none of your fucking business?

3) Stop being outright hostile to homosexuals.

This one is seriously getting old. You’ve lost this fight too, you just don’t know it yet. There’s literally no argument you can make against issues like marriage equality that don’t boil down to “I don’t like it because it’s icky” or “Jesus said it isn’t right.” Neither of which are valid reasons to withhold certain rights from an entire segment of the population. Seriously guys, you’ve got nothing here. So stop being assholes and just let it go already.

You may be tempted to think “Hey, gays only make up about 10% of the population, so how much can this really hurt us?” Well, that’s true, depending on which statistics you believe. But here’s the thing–the rest of us who aren’t gay aren’t neutral on this topic. We see you being douchebags to our friends and family and don’t think very well of you because of it.

So there you go! Three easy tips from your pal Dave to maybe get you back on track to electability. Take it from me, a guy who used to self-identify as a Republican–your ideas about how to solve the economic crisis, how to govern in general, and your foreign policy aren’t exactly popular either, but at least these are issues on which I think you actually have ideas. On the above stuff, you’re just being dicks for no good reason. So cut the shit already!

Posted in In The News.