Elevator Action II – Holy Fucking Shit You're Dumb!
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Elevator Action II

A little bit ago, I did a long rant about elevators, and how people are fucking stupid about them. You probably thought that was all I had to say on the subject.  Hell, that’s all I thought I had to say on the subject, to be honest. But today, I have something more to add.  This time though, I am throwing down the gauntlet.

Let me give you a little background about myself. I’m a big guy. Not, like, massively huge or anything, but pretty big.  I’m 6’2″ and I weigh… well, never fucking mind what I weigh, but just speaking statistically, I feel safe wagering that it’s more than you. I’m broad shouldered and take up a good bit of space.

Now, it wasn’t until fairly recently that I actually realized that my size can be intimidating. My self image never included “intimidating” in pretty much any capacity, so the idea that people smaller than myself (which is a fair bit of the population) might find my mere presence imposing was an alien concept.

That’s not to say I don’t realize how big I am. Trust me, nobody knows that better than I do. I generally spend a good deal of my time in public trying to take up less space because I realize what a space hog I am. I do my best to give everybody around me as much personal space as I can whenever we’re forced to be in close proximity, such as on a plane, sitting at a ten handed poker table, or, say in an elevator.

As of now, though, I’m declaring a moratorium on the whole “not using my size to my advantage or acting like I’m entitled to a certain space” thing in one specific area. If I am on the elevator, and the door opens, I will walk the fuck off the elevator as if I have the right of way.  Because god dammit, I do. If you attempt to squeeze past me so you can shave a valuable half second off your elevator boarding time, do not expect me to yield. I will not turn my shoulders to avoid hitting you, and if we do collide, I will not stop and apologize for what I would normally assume is my own clumsiness or obliviousness.  I will knock you the fuck over and walk away like you deserved it. Because frankly, you did.

I won’t run over children, because they don’t know any better.  I won’t walk directly into people who are standing a bit too close to the doors but aren’t actively trying to board at the same time that I am getting off. I won’t intentionally run into people who aren’t paying attention. And although in my head this would be hilarious, I promise I won’t charge off the elevator as soon as the door opens and start clothes-lining the hell out of everybody in sight.

But if you’re that asshole who just can’t wait to get on the elevator and who starts to board before it’s clear, you can expect to eat my shoulder. Trust me, those are not double doors. We can’t easily walk past each other. One of us is going to have to yield in order for this to work, and from now on, I can promise you that person will not be me.

Posted in Miscellaneous.