Elevator Action – Holy Fucking Shit You're Dumb!
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Elevator Action

I’d like to rant a bit about elevators.

I know nothing I’m about to say is unique to my personal experiences. I also know I’m not the first person to bitch about this shit. But I think it’s time I added my voice to the great cacophony calling for some common fucking sense application of proper elevator etiquette.

The other day I went to play poker at a local casino. Said casino has a ten story parking garage attached to their property, so every time I go I get a crash course in how fucking stupid people are about elevators. Here’s the main thing I want to say, and I would hope everybody in the world would understand–even though it is clear that not everybody does understand this. It shouldn’t have to be said, but the fact is the people already on the elevator have the right-of-way.

What this means is, do not stand right in front of the goddamn door and act surprised when seven people are staring you in the face when the elevator opens. And if you must stand right in front of the door–because you’re a complete idiot, say–at least have the courtesy to realize your error when the door opens and get the hell out of the way so the people on the elevator can get off. Do not, I repeat, do not compound your error by refusing to move, or even worse, pushing your way past all these people so you can get your stupid ass on the elevator faster.

I saw a woman do this last weekend. She stood directly in front of the door, then when the door opened and I tried to step off the elevator, she gave me a dirty look and pushed past me (and the woman behind me) and muscled her way onto the damn elevator. I was stunned–not just from the crassness and self-centered nature of the whole thing, but mainly from the fact that she gave me the stink eye as she shoved past, as if were the asshole here.

Listen folks. You can’t go anywhere until everybody currently on the elevator gets off anyway. Getting on the elevator faster doesn’t earn you a fucking ribbon for awesomeness or anything. The people on the elevator have the right-of-way because it doesn’t make any sense to do it any other way. Do you really think the best way to handle this is for the seven people on the elevator to wait while you and your buddies shove your way on, then have to shove past you to get out? Is that really the optimal way to do things, you think? Because the rest of us who aren’t goddamn idiots don’t agree.

And once you do manage to get on the elevator, there’s a few common sense rules to follow here.  First, move to the back. Seriously. Just do it. This isn’t a single player game here, other people are going to be joining at every floor. And yes, it’s a big crowded casino, don’t get all fucking boo-hooey when the elevator stops at every floor on the way down. Because it will and you acting all put out isn’t going to change that. So move to the back and let them on! Again, it just makes sense for the first people on to move to the back so future people can step in and not have to push past anybody.

Finally, and perhaps most importantly, face the front. There’s always one jackhole on every crowded elevator who doesn’t get this. Don’t be that creepy asshole standing in the middle of the elevator facing the wrong way. It’s bad enough we all have to stand together in this six-by-six room for upwards of three entire minutes. Don’t make it weirder by standing there staring at everybody.  It’s just barely acceptable if you’re riding with a friend to face your friend–but if you do, keep your eyes on your friend, or turn the hell around. Seriously. Please.

Rant over.

Posted in Miscellaneous.