It took him longer than anybody expected, but it has finally happened. Charlie Sheen has gone completely and totally insane. It was inevitable, really. We’ve all been waiting for it to happen. We’ve all been told since childhood that drugs make you go crazy, right? So when it became clear that Charlie Sheen was the World’s Champion Drug Taker, it was just a matter of time before he went completely off his nut.
Well, that time has come. Last week, Mr. Sheen called into the Alex Jones radio show (a man not unfamiliar with the world of crazy) and mouthed off about how he, Lenny Dykstra, and Mr. Jones were all “Vatican Assassin Warlocks” and “Gnarly Gnarlingtons,” whatever that is. Now he’s claiming to have cured his addictions with the power of his magical mind, and that he has “tiger blood” and “Adonis DNA.” He’s not one of us normies, you see. He’s special, a “total freaking rock star from Mars.” And don’t you forget it, either!
Meanwhile, we all get to watch the man’s career circle the drain as he keeps flapping his gums. He’s already hurled plenty of thinly-veiled racial slurs at the producer of his television show, and we all know what happens to people in Hollywood who bust on the Jews. CBS canceled his popular sitcom and is trying to withhold any further money due Mr. Sheen under his contract, using the time tested “he’s insane and we’re not going to pay him” ploy. He’s essentially unemployable at this point, so he better have saved something from all those millions he’s made, since it’s unlikely he’ll ever see another payday. Wait, who am I kidding, HBO or Showtime will do a reality show about him soon enough.
So congratulations, Charlie! You’ve outdone yourself this time. You’ve completely shattered the Hollywood record for drug and alcohol induced insanity (formerly held by Mel Gibson) and put yourself on a level far above anybody else in Hollywood. You truly have reached epic rock star status, as only Ozzy Osbourne has done more absurd, insane things while under the influence. Come back after you piss on a historic landmark and get banned from a city, Charlie, and then we’ll reevaluate your position. Until then, Ozzy is still the Prince of Darkness.
But you’re hot on his heels!