Holy Fucking Shit You’re Dumb!

Professional wrestler The Ultimate Warrior gave what were probably the most intense interviews of all time.  Perhaps not coincidentally, he also gave the most rambling and incoherent interviews of all time.

I will give five internet dollars to anybody who can tell me what in the hell he’s talking about here.  This interview was part of the final push for one of the biggest matches of all time, Hulk Hogan vs The Ultimate Warrior at Wrestlemania VI.  Clearly there’s something in here about how this conflict was inevitable–he starts the rant saying as much, I think.  Then there’s something about Hulk Hogan being full of walls filled with thick fear.  Then a little bit later, there’s something about his fans attaching themselves to the outside of the building and… seeping through?  Wow.  That’s some deep shit.  I’m not sure what to make of it.  The best part is how he keeps referring to Hulk Hogan as “HO KOGAN”.

Also, check out Mean Gene at the 1:20 mark or so.  As soon as the Warrior starts ranting about the walls, Gene tugs at his collar and makes a face–at first I interpreted it as Gene hamming it up, acting like he was hot under the collar because the Warrior was scaring him or whatever.  But I’m thinking that’s probably not it at all–it’s more likely he’s signalling to someone off camera that this interview is rapidly going south and someone needs to cut it off very soon!  Of course, nobody does, because who is going to step in and tell this roid freak to start over?  Instead he goes on for another minute or more.  It’s completely awful, and yet… also complete awesome.

The headline really makes the story, here.

What can I say, really?  I guess the moral of the story is, don’t urinate under the influence.  On a bridge.  And… pretend to fall.  Dumbass.

So those idiots in Mass are at it again.  I guess they got themselves a lake there with a 45 letter name.  Only now they think they might be spelling the name wrong.

Thing is, they don’t even know what the damn name means.  It’s not even clear they know what language the name is in (which would seem to me to be a prerequisite for figuring out what the shit it means).  There’s some vague mention of “Indian” in the article, but that’s like those asshats who keep saying “Ubuntu” is an African word.  That’s like saying “sensei” is an Asian word or that “taco” is a North American word.

Last I knew, there were still some “Indians” hanging out in the general vicinity of Massachusetts.  Maybe they could help.

Who am I wishing death on here?  Twitter?  Ashton Kutcher?  CNN?

…take your pick, really.

Wow.  Just… wow.  I’ve seen some pretty dumbass things in my time, but jumping into a polar bear enclosure?

I love the part about how “It is not known why the woman pulled the dangerous stunt but she initially appeared to be elated as she swam towards a bear in the enclosure.”

Elated?  She was goddamn elated?  AS SHE SWAM TOWARDS A BEAR?  Either she was drunk off her ass, or she’s the dumbest motherfucker on the planet.  I’m going to go out on the old proverbial limb and say it was actually probably both.

Here’s the kicker.  She jumped in during feeding time.  FEEDING TIME.  The time when the bears EAT THE STUFF THAT GETS THROWN TO THEM.  Of all the times to pick, she picked the very time the bears were most inclined to eat whatever happened to wander by.

I’m inclined to believe she got what she deserved.

So I guess Woody Harrelson mistook a photographer for a zombie.

Actually, the idiot here is the damn photographer.  Apparently after he got “assaulted” by Mr Harrelson (presumably because he wouldn’t get his camera out of the man’s grille–and let’s be fair, any man could mistake that for a zombie attack) he continued to follow him and his daughter for four minutes with another camera rolling, until finally Woody and his family got into a car and left.

Ok, maybe Mr Harrelson took it too far.  Probably shouldn’t have roughed the guy up.  But man, when you think you’re being chased by a zombie with a camera, what are you supposed to do?  Oh, I know…  PRESS “A” BITCH!  THIS AINT NO CUTSCENE!  YOU AINT GOT TIME TO MAKE A PROFILE!

I don’t know who is dumber here:  The DMV, or the woman.

I’m gonna go with the woman, because either she tried to slip an obscene vanity plate by the DMV with an excuse nobody would ever buy, or… she really DOES love tofu.  And seriously, have you ever had tofu?  It’s awful.  It’s like eating spongy rubber.  And don’t tell me it takes on the flavor of whatever it’s cooked with, because in that case, everything I’ve ever had that was served with tofu must have tasted like spongy rubber.

On the other hand, the DMV should just let her have the plate.  Either she’s a whore, or she loves tofu.  Either way, I don’t see why the government should care.

Ok, so this isn’t so much a stupid news story as it is a stupid headline.  Or rather, it *might* be a stupid news story, I’m sort of unclear on that as well, since even after reading it, neither it nor the headline make a ton of sense to me.

Just in case it gets changed at some point, here’s the headline as I see it right now:  “U.S. Treasury asking banks keep quiet on tests:  source“  I’ve tried parsing it several different ways, and the best I can come up with is that a certain unamed source is saying that the U.S. Treasury is asking banks to keep quiet about some tests.  The article seems to bear that translation out.

How awful is that writing, though?  Come on Reuters, I know the whole print news industry is getting the shit kicked out of them currently by the fact that nobody wants to go out to the driveway in the cold every morning to pick up a soggy pile of day old news anymore, but can’t you find people who can write better than that?  I’m not even sure you can punctuate that properly to make it read well.  But I can think of several better ways to phrase it right off the top of my head.  But screw Reuters if they think I’m going to edit their shit for free.

Edit:  Apparently, as I was in the process of writing this entry, Reuters changed the headline.  It now reads “U.S. Treasury asking banks keep quiet on stress tests” which is still bad, but not as English-as-a-second-language bad as the original.

So I guess teenagers need to be warned not to set shit on fire with makeshift flamethrowers now.  I mean, I guess it’s a good idea, every so often, to just mention to people “Don’t set people on fire with your ratty-ass body spray”–we all need a helpful reminder now and then, I suppose.

But, considering there’s nothing dumber on the face of the planet than your average middle-class teenager (except maybe a whole group of your average middle-class teenager) I guess it shouldn’t surprise me that there’s apparently a big problem with them randomly setting each other on fire with spray deodorant.

Now that I think about it, though, do we really want to discourage this?  Maybe instead we should just take a Darwinistic view of the whole thing.  If you’re so fucking dumb that you’ll actually set yourself or your idiot friends on goddamn fire with your own body spray, maybe we don’t need your contribution to the gene pool?  I guess we need to make sure they don’t torch houses, cars, forests, or the smart kids standing around minding their own business.  But hey, you want to go up in nice-smelling flames?  Knock yourself out, asshole.