Oh noes, A-Rod played POKER? – Holy Fucking Shit You're Dumb!
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Oh noes, A-Rod played POKER?

It’s been way too goddamn long since I’ve had anything to put in the “Alex Rodriguez” category, so it’s about time the guy did something stupid enough to get him back on here.

Unfortunately, as much as I want to, I have a hard time condemning him for what he’s allegedly done this time.  Which is: Play poker. That’s kind of it.  Oh, and maybe he saw some dude snort some cocaine. Oh, and this one guy, (not Alex Rodriguez, though) apparently tried to welsh on his poker debt.

Really?  That’s worth an investigation by MLB, and possibly the FBI? Now, it doesn’t surprise me much that the FBI cares about this, since they seem to have it in for poker (these are the same assholes who brought you Black Friday, after all.)  But MLB?  They care about A-Rod playing poker why?  I gather it has something to do with “associating with gamblers” which apparently got Mickey Mantle and Willie Mays banned for “life” back in the day (they got unbanned rather quickly.) They’re afraid he might have been in the same room with people who might have bet on baseball! THE HORROR!

First, let me say this. If there was a high stakes poker game going on (and it sure seems like there was,) I guaran-damn-tee that someone in that room has bet heavily on baseball at some time. That’s pretty much a given. High stakes poker players come in only two varities: Action junkies, and those who claim to not be action junkies but really are.   Now, I’m talking about the truly high, nose-bleed level stakes here.  Not the guys playing $100/$200 limit hold ‘em at Bellagio. Some of those guys are action junkies, but some of them are in the game grinding it out on their leather asses, squeezing every penny until Lincoln screams.  I’m talking about the games where more money is put in on the big blind than most people make in a month, games that take place in private rooms or at the palatial home of one of the players. Games where the stakes are high enough so that even a guy like A-Rod, who makes something like fixty hojillion dollars an at bat, might feel a little gut-punched after losing a big pot.  So yeah, at those stakes, it’s impossible to put together a game in which none of the guys have ever bet on baseball.  Most of those guys have bet on every sport you can think of.  Little league baseball, women’s softball, curling–if its ever been on TV, they’ve bet on it. They’ve bet on how long it’ll take the pizza guy to get there (and by “pizza guy” I of course mean “the guy they paid to go get them a pizza from the best pizzeria in town and bring it back to the game,” because none of those guys are ordering from Papa Johns, and none of them are getting up from the game as long as a whale like A-Rod is still there.) They’ve bet on who can go the longest without taking a shit, and probably made themselves sick trying to win. So it’s a given that they’ve bet on baseball.

But… so?. No really. So what? If just hanging around the wrong dudes is enough to get you fined or suspended in MLB, that seems really shitty. I mean, A-Rod is also known to be a friend of Pete Rose. OH SHIT BETTER FINE HIM FOR THAT TOO!

Another concern MLB has is that this game might be “perceived the wrong way” by the public. That’s clearly suit-talk for “Stop rubbing your wealth in people’s faces.” I know it’s fashionable currently to blame all problems everywhere on the richies, but I find it hard to get worked up about this. So the guy pissed away a few thousand bucks. Big deal, he’ll make that back and then some the next time he strikes out.  Whatever.

Now, I imagine I can hear a bunch of you out there howling “But the game was ILLEGAL! He was playing in an ILLEGAL GAME!” Ugh. That’s seriously the best you can do? Right, because everything that is illegal is automatically wrong. All I have to say to that is this: can you think of any example from any time in history of a government passing an unjust law?  I bet you can. I’m not going to insult you by pointing any out, because frankly if you can’t think of any, you’re too stupid to argue with anyhow. Also because, if I do, somebody, somewhere will get the idea into their fool head that I’m equating the stupidity of anti-gambling laws with the evils of whatever random thing I pick as another example of an unjust law.  Then I’ll be knee deep in assholes bleating “Are you saying the criminalization of gambling is as bad as X?  OMG UR SO STUPID!” And if you truly believe there’s a good argument to be made for making it illegal for people to gather together in private and wager on a game of cards, then there’s nothing I can say that’ll make you shut up anyhow.

But, hey.  It’s good to have A-Rod back in the news again!  I mean, for something other than being stupidly good at baseball.

Posted in Alex Rodriguez.