UFO Watchtower – Holy Fucking Shit You're Dumb!
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UFO Watchtower

There are different kinds of crazy.  There’s the kind of crazy that makes you chop your family up with an axe and feed them to the dog.  Nobody likes that kind of crazy.

There’s the kind of crazy that makes you walk around in public shouting at things that aren’t there and getting into fights with imaginary people.  That’s a sad kind of crazy, something to take pity on and try to help if possible.

Then there’s this kind of crazy.  The kind of harmless, way-out-there crazy that makes a person build a large elevated platform in the middle of nowhere and call it a UFO Watchtower.

In the middle of Colorado’s San Luis Valley, just outside of Hooper, lives the self-proclaimed “Crazy Lady Down The Road“, Judy Messoline.  Judy apparently moved to the San Luis Valley to be a rancher, but quickly found out that cattle don’t eat rocks and dirt, which appears to be all that grows on her property.  So, being the entrepreneurial sort, and being a big fan of shows like “Sightings” and “The X-Files”, she built the world’s first UFO Watchtower.

Now, right away you’ll notice something weird about this watchtower.  First, it’s not much of a tower.  It’s really more of a watch slightly-elevated-platform.  It stands maybe 12-15 feet off the ground.  Second, and most confusingly, is that there isn’t any reason for the thing to even be “slightly” elevated in the first place.  The thing stands in the middle of a giant featureless plain.  Usually watchtowers are elevated to see over the tops of trees or nearby hills.   But not this one.  This one is elevated… just because?  I guess because “UFO Watch-fenced-in-area-on-the-ground” didn’t have the same ring to it.

If you visit, Judy will apparently let you camp out on her property.   She’ll also gladly sell you all manner of craziness in her gift shop, and show you her magic garden.  This appears to be a circle of random trash strewn on the ground.  But… I guess it has healing powers?  It’s unclear.  The website claims it also has two vortexes, and then defines vortex as “portal to a parallel universe.”  That’s not the definition I found in my dictionary, but hey.  I’ll go with it.  I’m told there’s also a magic shrub.  Nobody is really clear on just what the shrub does that is magical, but shit man, it’s a magic shrub!

If you feel like donating to the cause of UFO spotting, Judy has a handy list of things she needs on her website.  She lists things you’d expect to see, like money, picnic tables, benches, and playground equipment.  But you’ll also find more esoteric needs, such as Geiger counters, seismographic equipment, 55 gallon drums of paint, black helicopters, and my personal favorite, jet packs.  Hey, just so you know, I also accept donations of helicopters and jet packs.

And of course, no crazy UFO related website would be complete without a list of sightings.  My personal favorite is the one about the hunter who told of his hunting trip the previous fall.  He’d stopped for a bit, laid down on a rock to rest, and the next thing he knew, he’d lost three hours!  Shit, that happens to me every night!  I lay down on my bed to rest, and I lose like seven to eight hours at a whack!  Holy shit I’ve been abducted too!

Anyway, there’s another type of crazy I didn’t mention earlier.  It’s called “crazy like a fox.”  If I had to wager a guess, I’d say that’s the one that probably describes Judy the best.

Posted in Miscellaneous.