SWORDED! – Holy Fucking Shit You're Dumb!
Skip to content


I love Colorado.  Only here do we produce burned out old hippies who want to kill Osama bin Laden.  Well, OK, probably a lot of other states have crazy old hippies with weird vendettas, but nobody else has one who actually flew to mofo Pakistan with a mofo SWORD and some night vision goggles and actually tried to do it!

51 year old Gary Faulkner, who suffers from chronic kidney disease that requires him to have dialysis every three days, actually packed his bags, flew to Pakistan, and tried to GIT ‘ER DONE.  He checked into a hotel, eluded his police escort, and disappeared into the forest for a few days while he searched for the elusive bin Laden.  However, the police caught him before he found the Al Qaeda leader and hauled him back to town.

I’m not really sure how he expected to find bin Laden.  I don’t know if you know this (and I’m told most Americans don’t), but Pakistan is actually a whole entire country.  Sure, it’s not huge, but it’s bigger than, say, your average Six Flags theme park.  And have you ever tried to find somebody after getting separated at Six Flags?  Even with cell phones it can be a nightmare hooking back up.  This guy didn’t even have that much.  He just walked out of his hotel and into the woods, and started looking!

When asked why he thought he had a chance of tracing bin Laden, Faulkner replied, “God is with me, and I am confident I will be successful in killing him.”

Wasn’t that George Bush’s reasoning, too? Worked well for him!

Best of all were his weapons of choice for taking down the terrorist mastermind.  A pistol and a sword.  A sword!  I love swords as much as the next sword geek, but I’ll tell you what–if I’m going on a solo mission to assassinate a wanted fugitive, I’m probably not packing my sword.  It’s really damn low on the list of things I’m bringing with me.  And for a guy like bin Laden, who probably has a posse armed with AK-47s and worse surrounding him, I’m thinking a pistol isn’t going to cut it either.

So here’s to you, crazy hippy warrior man!  You failed, but at least you were insane enough to try.

Posted in In The News.