Don’t mess with nature – Holy Fucking Shit You're Dumb!
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Don’t mess with nature

I may be a city boy now, but I grew up in the sticks, and one thing you learn really early in life in the country is not to fuck around with wild animals.  My dad always told me that most animals, even the scary ones like bears, are generally more afraid of you than you are of them–but absolutely all wild animals will try to fuck you up if you corner them, startle them, threaten their young, or (in the case of a few animals like wolves and mountain lions) look like you might make an easy dinner.

Honestly, most people don’t need to be taught this.  It’s just common sense to give wild animals their space and let them be.  Hell, most people treat even domestic animals like dogs and cats with respect, and don’t just assume that it’s OK to run up and pat it without at least getting a judge of their character first.  Some people, though, are just idiots.  Like this lady in Alaska.  She decided it’d be a good idea to approach a moose and give it a pat on the back.

Now, if you’re not familiar with moose, let me educate you a bit.  If you imagine a deer blown up to the size of a Clydesdale, you’ve got a decent start.  A full grown bull moose can stand over 7 feet tall at the shoulder and weigh more than 1500 pounds.  They’re awkward looking animals, looking like they were put together from leftover spare parts.  They have long, spindly legs, bulky bodies, and long wide snouts.  The males grow these long, crazy, knobbly antlers that often flatten out into weird spiky plates.  Just take a look at these ugly ass things, and then ask yourself if you’d like to walk up to one and pat it?  You wouldn’t do it, right?  I mean, why would you even want to touch that anyway?

Well, somehow this lady came to the opposite conclusion.  And, as usually happens in such cases, Mother Nature bitch-slapped some sense into her, which in this case took the form of a giant moose kick to the chest.  She was thankfully not seriously injured, but one can only hope the experience taught her not to screw with wild animals–especially not gigantic, ornery ones.

Posted in In The News.