Last Sunday, the Northern New Jersey Jets played the Cleveland Browns in the armpit of the universe, AKA Cleveland, Ohio. Cleveland teams have a history of being shitty, from the Indians in baseball (who had a whole series of decreasingly funny movies made playing off the fact that they’d been so shitty for so long,) the Cavaliers in basketball (who just lost the best player in the game to free agency–mainly because despite growing up in nearby Akron, he didn’t want to spend the rest of his life in mother fucking Cleveland,) to the Browns in football. A team so bad they didn’t even exist for four years.
After the inevitable 26-20 overtime loss to the Jets last Sunday, A drunken Browns fan decided to take his frustrations out on an 8 year old Jets fan. By tackling the kid. In the parking lot. The kid wasn’t hurt, escaping from the ordeal with only a scraped and bruised ankle. Which only goes to show you that Browns fans aren’t any better than the actual Browns at tackling. Exactly how drunk do you have to be to decide it would be a good idea to tackle a little kid walking with his dad through the parking lot? Do you think it’s more or less drunk than Mel Gibson needs to get before he starts mouthing off about the Jews? About the same maybe?
The Jets, when they heard about the situation, offered to fly the family to Northern New Jersey to watch a Jets home game in a VIP suite, and offered Jets memorabilia signed by the coach and players. The Browns counter-offered a six pack of Schlitz and a carton of Marlboro Reds. Well, no, they didn’t. Probably. Instead they offered “anything we can do,” which clearly doesn’t include things like “beat the Jets” or “win more than 7 games in any one season” (a feat they’ve accomplished only twice in the last fifteen years.) The family politely turned down both offers, thus proving that there are at least some families left who aren’t interested in becoming media whores.
So stay classy, Cleveland. Your sports teams suck, your city smells like ass, and Drew Carey wants to turn you into a Libertarian paradise (which I’m told resembles war torn and starving Somalia–in which case, you’re almost there!) But at least you stopped that goddamn 8 year old in the Jets jersey from wanting to go to Browns games!