Raise your hand if you’re old enough to remember that anti-drug commercial from the 80s. You know the one I’m talking about. Where the business guy is walking around in a circle, muttering “But I need to do cocaine! So I can work longer. So I can earn more. So I can do more coke!” It didn’t make me not want to take cocaine (not being an idiot had already taken care of that for me) but it did make me want to shoot my TV. I have the type of brain that seemingly likes to travel in circles like that, so I can’t get self-referential things out of my head once they’re in there. One time I spent days thinking about the expansion of the acronym PINE (which stands for PINE Is Not Elm.) Go ahead, think about it for awhile, I’ll wait.

Done? OK then, here’s another one. It seems Mr. Martin Batieni Kombate of Arizona got arrested for trespassing. He was due to be released on bail, but when the time came, he said he wasn’t going. So he stuck around the jail and… got arrested for trespassing. One naturally presumes he will continue in this way forever, much like the poor cocaine addicted businessman from the commercial. He’ll live out his natural life in the county lock-up, getting re-arrested every few days for the same crime.

Good work if you can get it, I guess.

We’ve all heard of angry drunks, and happy drunks, and depressed drunks, and even manic drunks–but Paul M. Brock of Indiana may be the only “cannibal drunk” I’ve ever heard of. After being arrested for stealing a car, Mr Brock told police he was going to hunt them down and eat them. And their families. And their little dogs too!

I don’t know about you, but this seems a little overboard to me. I mean, let’s be reasonable here. What do the dogs have to do with this? Yes, apparently Mr. Brock was subdued using police dogs when he was arrested. However, it would appear to me that he was not actually threatening those dogs with ingestion–instead, he was going to go after the family dogs of the officers involved.

This is classic transference. Mr. Brock has no beef with these poor family pets! It is the police dogs he is angry with, the ones who took part in his arrest. There’s no reason to take it out on innocent little Spike or Snookums. That beagle didn’t do anything to you, Mr. Brock, so put the frying pan away.

I’m a firm believer in eating only those people and dogs who have wronged you. Shame on you, Mr. Brock.

This one seems pretty straightforward at first.  Woman buys new SUV, then brings it back, claiming it smells like somebody died inside. Turns out, hey, the thing has been stolen three times and was in fact used to transport a corpse! Woman sues dealership for failure to disclose this.

But then I thought about it for more than just the two seconds I usually spend thinking about things like this. Put yourself in this situation. You’re in the market for a (presumably) used vehicle, so you head to a local dealership and the salesman shows you a SUV in your price range. Except… hoo boy, what is that smell? This is the first point where I probably would have just left. There’s plenty of dealerships around, even in Michigan (I’m told they even used to make cars in Detroit–can you believe that? Detroit!) so I’d just go down the street to the next one.

Let’s assume for the sake of argument that you did not leave. Hey, it’s just a smell, it can be gotten rid of, right? At this point you demand that the dealer fully clean and detail the vehicle before you’ll purchase it, right? Well, the article doesn’t actually say she didn’t have them attempt to clean the vehicle, but it’s fairly clear she still bought the car even though it smelled, after being assured it was only a dead animal that was causing the smell! Only a dead animal!

No, see, that’s where I draw the line. Sorry.

I assume you’re aware of PETA, right? They’re the nutty organization with the sensible sounding name who kill animals by the thousands because they have way better things to do with their money than try to find homes for them all. They’re supported by well-meaning pet owners/animal lovers despite firmly advocating a world with no pets.

Well, now they’re taking on Mario. You know, the plumber who constantly misplaces his helpless girlfriend and has to break into numerous castles trying to find her. This guy right here. What’s their beef (pun completely intended)? Remember way back in the day when you first got Super Mario Bros. 3, and found out you could get that magic leaf that gave Mario a weird raccoon tail that let him tail-whip things and briefly fly? Yeah, you do–that was awesome!

Well, PETA doesn’t. They waited until the release of Super Mario 3D Land this year to protest. But yes, the Tanooki suit is what has them all up in arms now. Mario is wearing fur, and fur is murder!  The first thing that struck me about that article is that a Tanooki (or I guess, Tanuki?) is an actual thing. I had no idea. I called it the “Racoon suit” for a long time before someone told me it was actually called a Tanooki suit. And even then, I just assumed Tanooki was some kind of made-up name. I mean, really. In a world full of Koopa Troopas, Goombas, and Bob-ombs, I’m supposed to know Tanooki are fucking real? Sure, sure.

Apparently, tanuki are a type of dog that PETA claims are “skinned alive for their fur.” Why exactly would they be skinned while still alive? Seems much easier to kill them first. But hey, never let it be said that PETA exaggerates. They’ve started a new campaign called MARIO KILLS TANOOKI that features an actual side-scrolling flash game where you play a skinned tanuki running after a flying Mario who is wearing your skin. Just for maximum gross-out, everything in the game is covered in dripping blood! Like pretty much everything else PETA related, the game sucks balls.

Nintendo responded back to PETA with a statement that boils down to “Mario magically turns into a lot of things in our games. None of it means anything. We revere the tanuki here in Japan, so shut up you stupid Americans.”

Have you heard of these “AntiVax” assholes yet? They’re the idiots who refuse to allow their children to be vaccinated out of the mistaken belief that vaccines are harmful or might cause autism or some shit. They deny their children the benefits of the greatest inventions in human history because they think that maybe one time some celebrity’s kid got autism from a vaccine. Which didn’t happen, by the way. What’s more silly is that these people will intentionally infect their own children with diseases like chickenpox trying to confer “natural immunity” to them. In other words, rather than taking their child to the doctor for a simple shot, they’d rather their child actually got chickenpox and suffered for awhile instead! I grew up before the chickenpox vaccine was invented so I remember having chickenpox. It was goddamn awful. Two weeks of being itchy and miserable was something I would happily have taken a shot to avoid, given the chance.

Since it’s becoming harder and harder to find people with chickenpox in any given area in order to have a pox party, idiot parents have taken to mailing each other infected items instead. No, really! Actual adult humans who presumably live in first world countries and have had the benefit of some kind of education beyond learning about the birds and the bees behind the barn actually do this.  Remember when that dude was mailing anthrax to senators and journalists? This is exactly the same as that, except the recipient requested the diseased parcel!

Sure, chickenpox usually has no lasting effects, but really, why would you subject your child to any disease which is easily prevented? The answer, of course, is that you’re a fucking moron who thinks vaccines cause autism. Well, let me tell you from personal experience that I’ve had the MMR vaccine like four or five times (most people get it twice) and I’m only slightly autistic! One time my own sister injected me with the damn thing because it was easier than looking up my vaccination records in this old fashioned database known as a ‘filing cabinet.’

OK, so I’m just one person, and the plural of anecdote is not data. I get it. But if you wont listen to me, maybe you’ll listen to a couple of magicians:

Yeah, they’re a couple of foul mouthed crazy libertarians who think people should be able to choose not to vaccinate their children if they want. But they still make a pretty persuasive argument that you should still do it.

And if you can’t believe magicians, who can you believe? Doctors?  Pshh.  Whatevs.

Man, who hasn’t had this happen to him? You set up a date with a hot chick behind your girlfriend’s back so you can get a little action on the side to tide you over. But then just when your new lady friend shows up, OH NO!  Your girlfriend comes home unexpectedly! We’ve all done that, right? I mean, we’re all a bunch of assholes like that, right men?

OK, so maybe you’ve never had this happen to you. But it happened to Kevin Gaylor of Colorado Springs. His response to the crisis was creative, at least. He called the cops and reported his date as a burglar! Yes officers, please take this hot chick away, she, uh… broke into my house and poured herself a glass of wine! And was just about to get naked and get into my bed! You’d better take her away before she does anything else! Like have sex with me!

Ah, who am I kidding. A guy like that doesn’t offer his date a glass of wine. He gives her a shot of tequila with a sedative in it.

Remember that show “Cheers”?  That was a pretty good show. Kelsey Grammar was on that show, and then he got his own show, and now he’s totally rich and famous. And although he plays an incredibly intelligent guy on TV, it turns out he may not be the sharpest knife in the drawer in real life. As exhibit A in my case, I present to you this article right here.

Mr Grammer is apparently getting a divorce from his wife. This is not an unusual thing, especially in Hollywood. However, what is rather unusual is that apparently Grammer’s wife never actually wanted to be married to him. He claims that she asked for a divorce “almost the first day we were married.” Of course he’s weaseling with the “almost,” but it’s still rather apparent that (he claims, at least) the woman never much cared for him. And yet, he married her anyway.  And then when she asked for a divorce, he said… no? It apparently took him quite awhile to cave, because he says “If you say you want a divorce enough times, you’re going to get one.” Uh, yeah.  That’s generally how it works. I mean, sure, if you think things can be worked out, by all means try to work them out. But this does not seem to be one of those cases.

This is by far my favorite quote from the article:

When asked whether he thought his ex married him because of his fame, the actor said, “No, I think she married me because I was Frasier,” referring to his role as Dr. Frasier Crane​ on the sitcoms “Cheers” and “Frasier.”

Uh. Isn’t that pretty much the same thing? Unless he’s seriously saying the woman fell in love with the character he played on TV and married him because she thought he was really like that?

In that case, then she’s an idiot. So maybe they deserve each other.

The scourge of performance enhancing drugs has finally descended on the last great bastion of sportsmanship–the agricultural fair. The Weinroth family of Sedalia, Colorado recently had two prize-winning goats disqualified at the Colorado State Fair after tests revealed ractopamine in their urine.  To quote the Colorado Attorney General “The FDA has not approved ractopamine for use in goats, which means that no level of concentration is acceptable in the urine of the species.”  Take that cheaters!

The Weinroths insist they are innocent, that someone must have slipped their goats some tainted feed. The disqualification means that the family is out the $5500 and $1300 dollars the goats sold for, and they also get a 50 fair suspension for the first offense.

I know I will rest easier knowing that the state is protecting me from the scourge of over-lean show goats.

Check this one out. A guy in New Mexico pretending to be a police officer pulled over an actual police officer. As you can probably imagine, that did not end well. Of course, the man in question says he did no such thing. Mr Tyree Appleberry says he did not claim he was a police officer, did not imply he was one, and was not arrested for impersonating a cop. All he did was follow a guy and then turn the strobe lights of his truck on. Then when the guy pulled over, he got out and asked for ID. Nah, that doesn’t sound anything at all like what a cop does.

Mr Appleberry was given a misdemeanor citation (basically a fine) for impersonating an officer and arrested on an outstanding warrant. So technically, Mr Appleberry was not arrested for impersonating a cop–but impersonating a cop is sure what got him arrested.

But at least I’ll keep it short this time.  Can I just ask, is there anybody out there who has a clue why Joe Girardi sent an obviously gassed and struggling CC Sabathia back out to the mound for the 6th inning last night? I understand the Yankees have a shaky bullpen and all, but really, there was no other option than praying CC could find the plate at least 3 times in 7 without getting shelled? Maybe they need to consider asking Mo to just come in whenever the starter is done. Come on, Goose Gossage did it, so can you, Mariano!

Also, what’s with all the bunting, anyhow?  I swear the Tigers bunted every time there was a runner on first or second with less than two outs. I know, it’s OLD SKOOL to bunt, and Jim Leyland is like the fucking oldest of the old school. But seriously guys. Maybe just leave that guy on second and try to drive him in with a hit, huh? You don’t gain a whole lot moving him over to third, especially if you’re trading that for an out. Bunting is fucking lame.