I think we all know by know that Mel Gibson isn’t actually a nice man. I’m sure there are still people out there defending his crazy-ass rants against the Jews and Catholics and women and minorities in general, but let’s face facts: He’s kind of a dick. OK, not even “kind of.”  He’s a full-on, raging douchebag shithead fuckwad asshole motherfucker.

If you don’t believe me, just ask Joe Eszterhas. He has been working on a script for a movie Mel Gibson has been saying he is going to make about the Jewish hero Judah Maccabee. Gibson has said he wanted to make “the Jewish Braveheart” But as it turns out, maybe Mel never really was all that sincere about making such a movie. Joe certainly doesn’t think so. He sent a 9 page letter to Gibson (and apparently, to the internet as well, although nobody involved will fess up to that) in which he basically accuses Mel of acting like a Looney Tunes character (specifically, Daffy Duck), running around his mansion screaming his fool head off about how he hates Jews and his ex-girlfriend and how he wants to kill them all. So yeah, Daffy Duck.  If Daffy was a misogynist Nazi.

It’s a loooong rant, but it’s worth the read. I held off on writing about this for one reason–I was half convinced that Eszterhas hadn’t actually written the letter. The letter details two times that Joe and his family stayed with Mel at one of Mel’s houses, and both times Mel pulled his Nazi Daffy routine, leaving Joe feeling scared for his and his family’s safety. Now, at the risk of engaging in a bit of hindsight second-guessing and perhaps a bit of victim blaming, I couldn’t help but wonder why Joe would put not only himself but his entire family through that a second time, considering how badly the first experience went. But, apparently he did just that, since I have not seen anything on the tubes yet from Joe disclaiming the letter, and the Gibson camp has responded to it as if it were genuine, although they of course deny all allegations of Jew-hating and Looney Tuneery.

So yeah, it would appear that Mel Gibson (at least in the opinion of Joe Eszterhas) is a complete fuckhead who enjoys beating women, hates Jews, hates post-Vatican II Catholics, and only said he wanted to make a movie about Judah Maccabee to get the heat off him from the last time he got drunk and ran his mouth. Team Gibson of course claims that Joe is just mad that Mel didn’t like his script, so he wrote nine pages of flaming falsehoods trying to tear him down.

Sure, I totally believe that, Mel!

Bill Romanowski spent most of his NFL career hurting people–both opposing players and sometimes his own teammates. Turns out, this may in fact have something to do with the man being completely insane. Check out this video:

Now, let me be the first to admit that I love me some bacon. And yes, I do happen to buy my bacon at the supermarket. Still, call me crazy and all, but I don’t happen to think the best way to motivate NFL players to play harder is to force them to hunt boar with knives. Nor do I think motivation is as easy as getting in someone’s face and yelling at them to “throw touchdown passes.”

Romo does, though! He rants for awhile about how NFL players need to be BOAR HUNTERS instead of being “safe” and buying their bacon from Safeway (get it??  HA!) Then he kind of manhandles his cohost for awhile, screaming in his face about touchdowns and tackles and such. I’m not sure, but he may be having some kind of flashback. Either way, I’m fairly certain he needs to lay off the roids.

It’s bad enough you fucked up the Han and Greedo scene and refuse to fix it, added a whole bunch of distracting eye candy to the original trilogy just because you could, and committed the unforgivable sin of adding Hayden Christiansen to the end of Jedi. Now you’ve apparently gone and ruined a great scene by adding in Vader screaming like a dumbass and made a completely nonsensical change to a sound effect so now instead of sounding like a man trying to distract some sand people, Obi Wan instead sounds like Adam Sandler.  Great!  Well done George, you keep up the great work.

It took him longer than anybody expected, but it has finally happened. Charlie Sheen has gone completely and totally insane.  It was inevitable, really.  We’ve all been waiting for it to happen.  We’ve all been told since childhood that drugs make you go crazy, right?  So when it became clear that Charlie Sheen was the World’s Champion Drug Taker, it was just a matter of time before he went completely off his nut.

Well, that time has come.  Last week, Mr. Sheen called into the Alex Jones radio show (a man not unfamiliar with the world of crazy) and mouthed off about how he, Lenny Dykstra, and Mr. Jones were all “Vatican Assassin Warlocks” and “Gnarly Gnarlingtons,” whatever that is.  Now he’s claiming to have cured his addictions with the power of his magical mind, and that he has “tiger blood” and “Adonis DNA.”  He’s not one of us normies, you see.  He’s special, a “total freaking rock star from Mars.”  And don’t you forget it, either!

Meanwhile, we all get to watch the man’s career circle the drain as he keeps flapping his gums.  He’s already hurled plenty of thinly-veiled racial slurs at the producer of his television show, and we all know what happens to people in Hollywood who bust on the Jews.  CBS canceled his popular sitcom and is trying to withhold any further money due Mr. Sheen under his contract, using the time tested “he’s insane and we’re not going to pay him” ploy.  He’s essentially unemployable at this point, so he better have saved something from all those millions he’s made, since it’s unlikely he’ll ever see another payday.  Wait, who am I kidding, HBO or Showtime will do a reality show about him soon enough.

So congratulations, Charlie!  You’ve outdone yourself this time.  You’ve completely shattered the Hollywood record for drug and alcohol induced insanity (formerly held by Mel Gibson) and put yourself on a level far above anybody else in Hollywood.  You truly have reached epic rock star status, as only Ozzy Osbourne has done more absurd, insane things while under the influence.  Come back after you piss on a historic landmark and get banned from a city, Charlie, and then we’ll reevaluate your position.  Until then, Ozzy is still the Prince of Darkness.

But you’re hot on his heels!

Well shit.  I guess I’d better pack my bags and leave.  The artist formerly known as the artist formerly known as Prince has declared an end to the internet.  His declaration:  “The Internet’s completely over. I don’t see why I should give my new music to iTunes or anyone else. They won’t pay me an advance for it and then they get angry when they can’t get it.”

Who complains when they don’t get Prince songs?  I don’t.  Shit, I complain when I do get Prince songs.  I’m like “Dammit, who the hell is playing that?  Purple Rain is so 20th century!”

And wait, why should they pay in advance?  iTunes isn’t an end customer–it’s a distribution system.  They put your stuff in their store, and then people come and buy it.  THEN you get paid.  That’s how it works, Prince.  Why are you upset with this?  You sell music, you get paid.

Oh wait, I know why.  It’s because you’re used to getting paid even if your shit sucks.  Well, that’s not how it works here on the interwebs, Prince.  Here, you only get paid if people really like what you’re doing.  I know, it’s a new idea, and it scares you.  Don’t worry, it scares a lot of people in your industry.  Hell, it’s probably going to kill your industry as you know it eventually, along with several others.

But this isn’t a bad thing, Prince.  This is a good thing, you just don’t know it yet.  Taking music and news and fiction out of the hands of a few big conglomerates and putting it into the hands of anybody who wants to take a shot at doing it “better” can’t possibly be bad.  And don’t worry man, people are going to figure out how to make money from it.  People always do.  That’s how capitalism works.  It may not be as much money as before, and it may not come in those satisfyingly big checks all at once, but it’ll come.  Hell, Apple’s already doing it, and you’re dissing them for it.

But yeah, you go ahead and declare the internet “over”, as if that has any basis in reality.  Comparing it to MTV is ridiculous, too.  MTV was one music network on one medium.  The internet is everybody, on all mediums at once.  That’s never going to be “over” until something even better comes along–and no, going back to selling CDs at Tower Records isn’t better.  That’s worse.  Way flipping worse.

Apparently, otherwise reputable UK newspaper The Sunday Times has hired Ozzy Osbourne to write a health column.  Yeah, this is the same Ozzy who got kicked out of Black Sabbath for being too drunk.  The same Ozzy who got banned from the city of San Antonio for a decade because he dressed up like a woman and pissed on The Alamo while, of course, drunk and high.  The same Ozzy who bit the head off a live dove, and, having learned nothing from this episode, later had to get rabies shots after biting the head off a live bat.  The same Ozzy who walks all hunched over, stammers, slurs his speech even while “sober”, and shakes like an unbalanced washing machine (leading to speculations that he might have Parkinson’s disease, or had in some way damaged his motor functions through years of drug abuse.)

That Ozzy.  A health columnist.

Actually, yeah, I can see it.  He sure has plenty of material on what not to do, health wise.

NBC seem to have a knack for setting up Kobayashi Maru situations for themselves.  First it was Jay vs Dave, now, years later, it’s Jay vs Conan.  And I’m pretty sure Conan won.

For those of you living next door to Osama bin Laden in a Pakistani cave for the past few months, here’s a quick rundown of the situation:  Jay left the Tonight Show for his own prime time gig at 10pm.  Jay flopped in prime time.  NBC says “Hey, no problem.  We’ll move you back to The Tonight Show.”  Conan says “Uh, hey, no.  That’s my gig now.”  NBC says “Oh, well fine, we’ll just move The Jay Leno Show to 11:35 (The Tonight Show’s timeslot for the past 40 some years or so) and make it half an hour.  Then you keep The Tonight Show, but it’s on at 12:05.  So then Conan is all “That would make it The Tomorrow Show.  Not gonna do it.”

At this point, to somebody with some sense, it would seem that the best solution would be for NBC to say “Ok then.  Hey, sorry Jay.  You kind of suck anyway, and your show blew, and you’re sixty years old and not funny.  So… You’re fired.”  Or something similar.  I mean, do you know anybody who thinks Jay Leno is funny?  I don’t.  Ok, I lie.  I know one person.  But he’s kind of odd in the head.  To be honest, Conan isn’t that funny either, but he’s still more funny than Jay.

But no, instead they gave Conan a huge pile of money to go away.  They’re going to give Jay back The Tonight Show, and Conan will turn up on some other network in the fall when his no-compete clause is up.

The most ridiculous part about this whole thing is that the hand-off of The Tonight Show from Jay to Conan was orchestrated five years ago, in a bid to prevent exactly this kind of stupidity–NBC went through a huge shake-up when Jay took over from Carson, because everybody and his mother (including Johnny Carson himself) thought the obvious choice to replace Carson was David Letterman, who was then hosting Late Night, the show that comes on after The Tonight Show.  Instead, NBC execs went with Jay, and Letterman took off for CBS.

This time, NBC gave everybody a five year heads up on the hand-off, and locked Conan into the job–and then paid him millions to go home after just seven months.

Good job, NBC!

Anybody else totally tired of Brett Favre?  Yeah, me too.  The guy needs to either stay retired or stay not retired.  Pick one, man.

So of course, in case you hadn’t heard, Brett Favre is in talks to return to football with, of all teams, the Minnesota Vikings.

Now, I know not everybody follows football, despite the fact that it has basically replaced baseball as our national pastime.  So for those of you who don’t know how awful this is, let me put it in terms any American should be able to understand.

Remember when Benedict Arnold switched sides in the middle of the Revolutionary War and went to fight for the British?  Obviously you do not actually remember this, unless you are Methuselah, in which case you still wouldn’t remember, since that dude died thousands of years ago.  But anyway, remember learning that shit in history class?  Remember how pissed off all the Americans were when he did that?

That’s about on the level of how Packers fans will feel if Brett goes and plays for the Vikings.  It’s not quite the level of hatred Red Sox fans have for douchebags who sell out and sign with the Yankees, but it’s close.

So what, you ask?  The guy still wants to play.  The Packers didn’t want him back last year and presumably still don’t want him back, and the Jets don’t want him back either.  Why shouldn’t he go play for the Vikings if they want him?

Here’s why:  Because he needs to just retire already.  This is what, the fifth year in a row he’s either retired or “seriously contemplated” retiring and then decided to come back?  Three of those years he basically held the Packers hostage while they waited for him to make up his friggin mind.  Last year he tried to pull a power play to get back on the team after FINALLY retiring only to very quickly un-retire, and the Packers finally just said “Dude, get out of here, you’re not welcome here anymore” and traded his ass to the Jets.  Then he retired after completely screwing the Jets’ chances to make the playoffs down the stretch (in fairness:  he’s also a big part of the reason they were in a position to make a run at the playoffs in the first place), and now he’s going to un-retire AGAIN?  Here’s the real kicker–that bicep injury he suffered near the end of last year, the one that basically caused him to play like complete ass and totally boned the Jets?  Yeah, he didn’t get that fixed.  I guess that shit will just heal on its own.  Magically.  In just a few months!

I’m tired of this.  GO AWAY BRETT FAVRE!

Professional wrestler The Ultimate Warrior gave what were probably the most intense interviews of all time.  Perhaps not coincidentally, he also gave the most rambling and incoherent interviews of all time.

I will give five internet dollars to anybody who can tell me what in the hell he’s talking about here.  This interview was part of the final push for one of the biggest matches of all time, Hulk Hogan vs The Ultimate Warrior at Wrestlemania VI.  Clearly there’s something in here about how this conflict was inevitable–he starts the rant saying as much, I think.  Then there’s something about Hulk Hogan being full of walls filled with thick fear.  Then a little bit later, there’s something about his fans attaching themselves to the outside of the building and… seeping through?  Wow.  That’s some deep shit.  I’m not sure what to make of it.  The best part is how he keeps referring to Hulk Hogan as “HO KOGAN”.

Also, check out Mean Gene at the 1:20 mark or so.  As soon as the Warrior starts ranting about the walls, Gene tugs at his collar and makes a face–at first I interpreted it as Gene hamming it up, acting like he was hot under the collar because the Warrior was scaring him or whatever.  But I’m thinking that’s probably not it at all–it’s more likely he’s signalling to someone off camera that this interview is rapidly going south and someone needs to cut it off very soon!  Of course, nobody does, because who is going to step in and tell this roid freak to start over?  Instead he goes on for another minute or more.  It’s completely awful, and yet… also complete awesome.

Who am I wishing death on here?  Twitter?  Ashton Kutcher?  CNN?

…take your pick, really.